Everything must goo, bab.

The day draws ever nearer, ladies and gentlemen. For the fifth time in their history (the first since proper, quality football started in 1992) Aston Villa are about to drop out the top flight. With the swift fall to the Championship comes the inevitable redundancies of the staff at the Villa who are actually good at their job; the sad paupers that don’t get paid a living wage, and don’t have agents to shackle them to the club, bleeding it dry at one of the lowest points in its history.

Still, at least we beat Small Heath.

Cleaners, kit men and retail staff aren’t the only things Villa are cutting, though, they’re also slashing prices at the online store. Let’s check out a few things you’d be stupid, or Tom Fox, not to buy.

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“Villa fans will spend hours playing with this uniquely crafted Aston Villa Soccerstarz figure of Aleksander Tonev” the description promises, almost threateningly. You’ll probably spend more time playing with this generously discounted toy thing than the racist cockhead did at the Villa (596 minutes, stat fans – you losers). Still, at 50p, you buy hundreds of them, melt them down, form a new, lifesize version and slip him in at the right of midfield. He probably wouldn’t fair much worse.

Thanks for this lad, Stan.

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Now, I love God as much as the next Villa fan who sings that shit chant that glorifies the drinking problem that has dogged the man’s life for the last 25 years, but this is perhaps a step too far. But at £12? Come on, you can’t just get this stuff for free on Spotify you know. Oh, actually, you can. Well, you could buy over 20 Tonev figures for that price and still listen to a really depressing cover of The Contender. He’s not an awful singer, he sounds like someone at the Sandwell Snooker Centre during karaoke evenings, the one who everyone eggs on because he doesn’t quite sound like a cat being fed through a wood chipper. Still, £12 to feel miserable is cheaper than a Villa ticket and this also doubles as a tea coaster or, after careful modifications, a nice stabbing tool. Do with it as you please.

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You ever sat at your dining table, wondering what you’re going to put on your toast (I’m a big fan of just letting an entire stick of butter rest on some fresh, piping hot toast, and watching it slowly seeping into the bread. It’s almost erotic), then you notice that this is the only thing in your life that isn’t officially stamped with the finest letters in the English alphabet – AVFC.

“Susan!” you cry, wanting to tell your wife about your need for a bread press, because your bread won’t be perfect without those letters, and then you realise than Susan left long ago, taking the kids. So long ago that you’re not even sure if Susan was real. All you know, as you sit there in your Aston Villa pyjamas, your Aston Villa slippers, stirring the tea in your Aston Villa mug with your Aston Villa spoon, is that your life won’t be complete without branded toast. And now, for just £1, you can live that dream. You can be the man you promised Susan you’d become. All for a £1. Do it. Be that man.

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You should see some of the shit I have on DVD. Most of it imported from Asia and almost certainly banned in the EU, which, btw, is why I’m supporting a brexit. This is why I wouldn’t judge you for buying this DVD, especially at the super super low low price price of £1. It’s the description that gets me. The claret and blue balls on display of the guy or guyette who wrote it –

Relive all the action, goals and drama of this season plus that memorable FA Cup final at the famous Wembley stadium

Yes, you could relive the 4-0 mauling by Arsenal. The game where Benteke and co decided they couldn’t muster up the energy to get motivated for the final of the oldest football competition in the world. For £1 or less you could also buy the following, superior DVDs on Amazon –

Sniper 3, starring Tom Berenger. You loved Sniper, and you thought Sniper 2 was okay, but nothing will prepare you the pinnacle of Berengertainment that is Sniper 3. It’s only 9p, or just 18% of a Tonev toy.

Horton Hears A Who, with the desperate, miserable voice of Jim Carrey. Oh boy, another 9p bargain.

The Alibi, starring Steve Coogan will cost you just 70p for a new copy. It’s another one of those films you had no idea Steve Coogan made while he pretended anyone cared about anything non-Partridge he’s ever made. Actually, that’s harsh, Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief and Hamlet 2 are shockingly underrated.

Finally, for £1, instead of the highlights of the 4-0 massacre, you could just take a pound coin and thrust it directly into your own eyeball. Just smash it in, twisting around until you feel bone, then stumble over to the phone and call 999. I guarantee it’ll be better than having to see fucking Norwich City attempt to play football ever again.

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Tired of having Randy Lerner metaphorically fuck you up the arse with the endless cavalcade of dismal managerial appointments? Desperate to actually have a piece of Aston Villa inside your body? Then for just £5 (or 10 Tonev toys, maths fans) you can ram this inside you and feel the pleasure. It’ll be less painful than the realisation that you’ve wasted your life watching the Villa during the last 6 years when you could’ve been painting, writing a sonnet, or rubbing one off to that scene in True Detective season one. You know the one I mean. Google it.

Last and definitely least, here’s something no discerning Aston Villa fan could go without –

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That’s right, only £2 to celebrate the remaining month or so of the season, and 7 months of this horrible, horrible year. I’ll let the official description sum it up –

 

Show your support for the boys in Claret and Blue all year round with the Aston Villa 2016 Calendar. Filled with fantastic shots of all your favourtie players, perfect for all fans whether your hanging it in the office or your bedroom.

Yep, someone got paid to type up that overly optimistic, typo-filled, illiterate filth. It’s okay, they’ll be out of job by the end of the season. Thank Charles N’Zogbia.

If you buy any of these items (and you should buy them all if you truly love the great, brave sleeping giant lion that is Aston Villa) send me some action shots and I’ll post them for all to see. Or you could not do that, whatever, I’m not your mom.

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