I think everybody’s weird. We should all celebrate our individuality and not be embarrassed or ashamed of it – Professional weirdo, Johnny Depp

We’re going to take occasional excursions into particular customers. For this chapter we’ll be taking a brief look at a woman called Merleena. I’ve changed her name for legal reasons, but also because if I put her actual name in the book I’m terrified I’ll summon her, Candyman-style, and she’ll come crawling out of my TV, Ring-style, and then she’ll do terrible things to me, Merleena-style. This young woman, whose profile* only explained that she was a young woman, terrified me to my very core. If I had children I would be afraid for their innocent souls. To this day I won’t read her texts at night, terrified that the draft causing the curtains to waft is actually Merleena, waiting, preparing to strike, to lash out, to… coil.


If merleena had got a human tied up could she use her powers to ticke the human and would it be torture for the human?


Could merleena tickle the human in lots of places at the same time if she had lots of coils around the human?


Could merleena tickle the human for a long period of time and would the human stand anychance of escape?


If merleena completly coiled a human and she started to tickle, could she make the tickle get worse ova time?


How bad could merleena make the tickle over time,could she make it unbearable?


If merleena kept tickling the human and made it get worse and she didnt stop what would happen to the human?


Could merleena tie a human to a chair so alls that is on show is the humans face?


If merleena did tie a human to a chair why would it b uncomfortable for the human?


Could merleena coil a human to a bed so alls that could b seen is there face-


merleena would like to coil a human until the human was gone could she do that and would it b bad?

Did you ever see that horror movie, Audition? Spoilers if you haven’t, but it’s about this beautiful young woman, Asami. She auditions for a part in a film for producer Shigeharu. It turns out that there is no film and that creep Shigeharu is just checking out women to replace his dead wife. Asami gets the part, but she’s not all that she seems. There’s a particular scene when she’s on the phone to Shigeharu, a smile slowly forming on her face, and then suddenly a large bag in the background starts moving, someone is trapped and struggling inside. Merleena is Asami. It’s all I can think of whenever she texts in about coiling the human, and how much of the human’s face can be seen.

I start to have nightmares about her. She floats in through my window, wearing a dark dress, and long, billowing hair falls around her shoulders. She drifts over me, whispering my name, then the hair starts whipping around her and Merleena becomes a snake. She wraps herself around me, not wildly, not viciously, just calmly and cooly, and the coiling gets tighter and tighter. She starts squeezing now and I can feel the air leaving my lungs and the life slowly draining away from me.

She lowers her lips to my ears, as the serpentine Merleena covers almost all of my body, my face, and whispers “what time is the last train from birmingham snow hill to london marylebone”, and then I wake, screaming in a cold sweat.

I hate this job.

*  Customers could voluntarily fill out little profiles to help give us more information. Name, address (some people would actually give their full address and we had access to their full number, it was a security and privacy nightmare), birthday and any other information they might find relevant. No one ever really gave us anything useful, except one woman who said she was interested in novels about “scary Scottish men with beards”. She’ll pop up again later, don’t worry.

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